The Exorcist: A New Career Opportunity for Teenage Girls
What Will Your Teenage Daughter Choose As A Career?
There’s a list of subjects most parents of teenagers learn to avoid: tattoos, Justin Bieber, website security, phone bills and whether Cheerios count as a fruit. Another item I have recently added to this list of forbidden topics is career choices. At age six, my kids wanted to be “train drivers” and astronauts. At sixteen they want to be the world experts in Grand Theft Auto and Facebook. My gentle queries about what they see themselves doing to earn money are met with rolling eyes and an unshakeable certainty that income can be generated by lying in a bed full of pizza crumbs.
So parents whose teen shows an interest in something worthwhile can count themselves as fortunate. The Reverend Bob Larson of the Spiritual Freedom Churches International, Inc. is even luckier. Not only is his daughter Brynne already sure of what she wants to do in life, she is enrolled in a school he founded. Yes, that’s what you call following in Dad’s footsteps. This, of course, means that Brynne isn’t training to be a brain surgeon or a tax attorney. She’s learning to cast out demons.
Reverend Larson set up the school to address what he sees as a dangerous decrease in the number of exorcists. Some might say this is because we don’t believe in demons anymore, but the Reverend begs to differ. He believes cases of possession are on the increase and, alarmed by the prospect of hordes of unnatural beings infesting the population, he decided to take action. His exorcism school is busy turning out fully skilled devil slayers, and Brynne is amongst the first graduates.
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And she’s not the only one. According to Reverend Larson, teenage girls are especially suited to the task of resisting the forces of darkness. He now has a crack team of five young exorcists aged between 15 and 19 who are only a phone call away if one of Satan’s minions should decide to set up shop in your soul. Armed with the simple yet traditional weapons of the Bible, a cross and holy water, Brynne and her fellow Buffys are ready to face projectile vomiting, cursing and appeals to Harry Potter and Twilight because those books, says Savannah (another exorcism school alumni), are very often the instigators of the problem. Be warned lovers of young adult fiction, this stuff might seem harmless, but it is in fact the Devil’s tool. You could be innocently reading about vampires one day, and the next day you could find yourself eating flies while reciting the Bible backwards.
Just as well we have Brynne, Savannah and the others to protect us from the Lord of Darkness and all his works, including those he pens under the name of Charlaine Harris. Harris is the author of The Southern Vampire Mysteries, the inspiration and source for the TV series True Blood. A show so popular that it has received one Golden Globe and an Emmy and has just been renewed for a 5th season. Surely all those who like this show must be possessed with demons or some kind of evil influence that must be exorcised! But before I hurry to enroll my kids in the Reverend Larson’s program, there is the question of salary to consider. Can I look forward to a comfortable old age on what my devoted children will earn as exorcists? Sadly, like Buffy, these real-life demon slayers work for free. Looks like I’ll have to cross this career off my list and hope someone finds a way to make money out of lying down on pizza crumbs.