The Exorcist: A New Career Opportunity for Teenage Girls
What Will Your Teenage Daughter Choose As A Career?
There’s a list of subjects most parents of teenagers learn to avoid: tattoos, Justin Bieber, website security, phone bills and whether Cheerios count as a fruit. Another item I have recently added to this list of forbidden topics is career choices. At age six, my kids wanted to be “train drivers” and astronauts. At sixteen they want to be the world experts in Grand Theft Auto and Facebook. My gentle queries about what they see themselves doing to earn money are met with rolling eyes and an unshakeable certainty that income can be generated by lying in a bed full of pizza crumbs.
So parents whose teen shows an interest in something worthwhile can count themselves as fortunate. The Reverend Bob Larson of the Spiritual Freedom Churches International, Inc. is even luckier. Not only is his daughter Brynne already sure of what she wants to do in life, she is enrolled in a school he founded. Yes, that’s what you call following in Dad’s footsteps. This, of course, means that Brynne isn’t training to be a brain surgeon or a tax attorney. She’s learning to cast out demons.
Reverend Larson set up the school to address what he sees as a dangerous decrease in the number of exorcists. Some might say this is because we don’t believe in demons anymore, but the Reverend begs to differ. He believes cases of possession are on the increase and, alarmed by the prospect of hordes of unnatural beings infesting the population, he decided to take action. His exorcism school is busy turning out fully skilled devil slayers, and Brynne is amongst the first graduates.
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And she’s not the only one. According to Reverend Larson, teenage girls are especially suited to the task of resisting the forces of darkness. He now has a crack team of five young exorcists aged between 15 and 19 who are only a phone call away if one of Satan’s minions should decide to set up shop in your soul. Armed with the simple yet traditional weapons of the Bible, a cross and holy water, Brynne and her fellow Buffys are ready to face projectile vomiting, cursing and appeals to Harry Potter and Twilight because those books, says Savannah (another exorcism school alumni), are very often the instigators of the problem. Be warned lovers of young adult fiction, this stuff might seem harmless, but it is in fact the Devil’s tool. You could be innocently reading about vampires one day, and the next day you could find yourself eating flies while reciting the Bible backwards.
Just as well we have Brynne, Savannah and the others to protect us from the Lord of Darkness and all his works, including those he pens under the name of Charlaine Harris. Harris is the author of The Southern Vampire Mysteries, the inspiration and source for the TV series True Blood. A show so popular that it has received one Golden Globe and an Emmy and has just been renewed for a 5th season. Surely all those who like this show must be possessed with demons or some kind of evil influence that must be exorcised! But before I hurry to enroll my kids in the Reverend Larson’s program, there is the question of salary to consider. Can I look forward to a comfortable old age on what my devoted children will earn as exorcists? Sadly, like Buffy, these real-life demon slayers work for free. Looks like I’ll have to cross this career off my list and hope someone finds a way to make money out of lying down on pizza crumbs.
image: odditycentral.com
Considering these people make you pay for their ‘Demon Test’ to tell if you have one or not, it’s unlikely that this is actually a ‘real problem’ as these people, in theory, shouldn’t be charging for something to test if you have a real issue, especially if the service itself is free. The service seems to be ‘free as long as you donate’ which fuels their mission in foreign countries (aka, not the US) so that he can hypnotize a crowd full of teenagers (whom everyone knows is the single group that’s the strongest in accepting suggestions because of their hormonal responses to exciting situations, situations involving drug use, and the most likely to have manic-styled emotional turmoil). Basically he’s preaching and these people are responding to it. It takes a very skeptical slant when I read statements like ‘A powerful demon of Rejection was cast out of her’ because as far as I’ve seen the ‘demon’ of ‘rejection’ (capital R?) isn’t one of satan’s brothers hanging out in hell. I’d be interested to see a book on demons and his definition of it, especially when you consider that the root of this girls problem was that her father abandoned her as a kid. She likely turned to her life of ‘demonic possession’ when she felt alone and unhappy, but we can’t blame that on her family. No, that’s only satan’s fault.
Is this kind of thing possible? Sure. When he encounters something on the level of a levitating bed or the other strange hollywood tricks that you see in movies that will likely be happening in his new Reality TV SHOW and while the claim that nothing will be faked, they’ve already got five attractive action girls ready to go in the name of god. This is laughable at best and I can’t imagine that any of this is going to be *real*. We’ll see what channel they are actually going to be placing this on when it releases.
A reality TV show? Oh that has to be worth watching.
Maybe they could do a version with wannabe exorcists competing and getting eliminated week by week – not so much “Hell’s Kitchen” as “Hell’s Waiting”
Wow!!! I guess this is a viable career option if you’re good at it. And if you at least have the will and desire, there’s a place where you can go to learn more about casting out demons and hone in on your innate skill. I applaud Reverend Lawson for opening our eyes to a great new opportunity. And to think, I typed all of this with a straight face! Hilarious!
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It’s very scary to see the blind leading the blind like this. Demons aren’t anything to mess around with, and in the very rare cases of true possession, only extensively trained exorcists should even try. It can be done, but not by any teenager who walks in off the street–not even by her pastor parent. I hope for their own sake these folks stop playing games and leave this dangerous work to the professionals.
First, I always find it ironic that most of the reported amazing miracles and accounts of demonic activity occur in poor uneducated 3rd world countries. I’m wondering if the simple action of spreading anti-epileptic drugs and various other neurological disorder related medication would drop the number of demonic possessions in many African nations. It’s amazing how the demons of leprosy reported in the bible have left humans alone in developed countries since the advent of antibiotics and soap.
Second, The demon slayer teens say that a headache and dilated pupils are a sign of demon possession. A headache and dilated pupils are also symptoms of a sinus headache, migraine, drug use, or a head injury. Where does the science of exorcism come into play? If we have so much confirming evidence,(Bob Larson claims over 15000 exorcisms) why is there no science on the subject? Me thinks that the reason may be that 99% of demonic possession is a flavor mental illness or a case of someone who didn’t get enough hugs and needs attention.
Third, The first 4 of the 5 Demonic Possession Symptoms from Larson are also signs that you’re likely between the ages of 12-17 and full of angst. In addition, if you’re a teenager that lives in a country that does not speak his/her native tongue, you can fill out the whole demon possession symptom profile.
http://doodiepants.com/2012/03/08/bob-larson-and-his-robotic-teen-demon-slayers/
Wow, way to further stigma against Hansen’s disease, Doodie. People don’t get Hansen’s disease because they’re “dirty.” They get it because they have suppressed immune systems and/or lack the natural immunity that about 95% of the population have. The world would be a much better place if you pulled your head out of your ass now and then.
Sincerely, Hellequin